Thursday, November 25, 2010
The Means to an End
has it meant the end of me?
I went contracting in the UK because it meant i was a spectating locust of the corporate world, rather than the cog i needed to stay away from. Then came asia, then came more cash with a permanent job, and then came the notion of a 'career'. it was all so strange. in 2010 i had two great things almost every human wakes up wanting - a great profile at a respectable company and unconditional love. I knew all was good - which translated to bland, and led to arrogance in the expectation to have more. Greed has an extreme pH. The moment we lay down the litmus and see blank, we panic and submit to the sniff of sulphur.
I forgot about the means to the end - the only reason I needed to get that job was because... it was a means to an end. the only reason I wanted love.... ad infinitum.
And then I realized at 7am this morning that the means to and end has ended me. We can't see straight when the greed is quenched - blandness is blinding.
I need to make a decision as to whether I actually want a career or not. I didn't even know that I had one. Perhaps that's answered the question in itself. I'm not proud of what I do and I feel nauseous at the idea of waking up at 50 knowing this is all I achieved was a series of plastic landmarks in the eyes of the shareholders.
I can quote Carney and talk about The End; but I dont feel it. I need to know what The End is, otherwise I can't argue that the present is the vehicle towards it. Otherwise.... this is The End.
